Flitting Thoughts

So as my time here in Japan begins to draw to a close, I realize I haven't really posted any real "thoughts" about the whole thing. Rather, most blog posts have been concerned with give you the what and the how and the when etc., than with give my analysis of the situation. Well, I've had a drink and am feeling somewhat inspired right now, so shut up and listen.

Everything shapes what we are. It is a fact of life. Many times we do not realize how we have been shaped until long after the fact, when we go back and look at old photographs and say wistfully, "I remember this. This is when..." and so on. I can't tell you how Japan has changed me. I don't know yet. But this experience has become a part of who I am. I will forever look back at these three months I have spent oh, so far from home, and say, "I remember this. This is when..."

I am a product of my experiences. Without them, I would not be who, or what I am today. Because of this, I am reluctant to do this, and so on. Some good, some bad. So it goes. Po-tee-weet.

I have a test tomorrow. I drank anyway. Just one beer. Enough to relax a little. I've been tensing up a lot lately. I can tell because my shoulder hurts all the time now. I weigh 90.5 kilos. That's 199.5 lbs, for our American visitors.

I wish I hadn't broken my heart so much. Or had it broken. Whatever. People ask about this girl that I kind of had a thing for over here, and I tell them, "Nothing has happened. Nothing will happen. I can't do it." I just can't do it right now.

So now I sit here at this desk where I have spent so much time during my stay, steadily typing away at my tiny computer, listening to music and recording my thoughts.

Do I wish I hadn't had some of the experiences that I have had? Well, sure. I've regrets, like any adult. I wish I weren't broken. I wish I weren't so stony and at the same time so soft. Nevertheless, they now shape me, as they have shaped me. You live, you learn.

I miss familiar touches. Someone tried to move me around yesterday, I had to surpress the urge to flatten him. I had to surpress an urge at dinner tonight to reach across the table and throttle someone. I'm sick of a lot of people I'm living with. I told him to never touch me again. I don't like to be moved. Especially by people I don't really like. It messes with my brain. I want a hug from my Dad, my sisters (all of them), my friends, my grandma, my mother. I want a decent handshake. I had one this past weekend from my host dad.

It's gotten cold. Fast. Dropped to around 40 degrees today. Finally. People bitch. People always bitch. All the time. I hate it. I have to hear the same thing, day in and day out.

Japan is strange. It is full of invisible walls. There are things you can do, and things you can't do. Simple as that. In America, society is very open, with very few restrictions. Japan is incredibly restrictive.

I'm out of ideas. No, no conclusion, no neat wrap-up at the end of the 22-minute episode where everything returns to normal, Po-tee-weet.